by Jacquie Lustig, consecrated woman - Regnum Christi
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I was 19 years old, with an addiction for dancing, laughing, and late nights. I had good friends-fun friends. A few were a little crazy, but on the whole...weekends at the club we affectionately called "the Beach" were the highlights of my week.
The Beach--with its bright neon lights and its blaring country music, became a hub for a lot of us looking to get out of the sorority for the night and explore the social scene on campus. The weekends couldn't come fast enough. Life was full of zest and adventure...every crowd held a hidden thrill.
And for me, I wasn't going to miss a minute of it.
I remember one night in particular. It was early December. I had checked my coat at the front, and had joined the crowd of regulars...laughing at everything and nothing, talking over school, dancing to every song in between.
Trevor was a Theta Chi: tall, dark, and definitely handsome. He came up to group to chat for a song or two before he finally whispered in my ear--"come dance with me?"
Without skipping a beat, I took his offered arm and followed him out onto the crowded floor. The lights dimmed, the floor cleared...and the romance of the slow-song moment breathed out like a movie script. It wasn't my first time dancing with Trevor...and, if the Gamma-Phi girl-talk could be trusted, the chemistry between us was electric.
And it was right there, in the arms of Trevor McKillan...swaying to the old "Strawberry Wine" song, looking up into his dark brown eyes, that I realized. I was falling in love.
But not with Trevor.
You ever been in situations like that? Where you realize the right thing, at so the wrong time?
That was my freshman year of college. Slowly coming to realize the truth of my heart….
I was already in love with someone. Someone who was waiting for me...quietly tugging at my heartstrings….
I didn't recognize it right away, because he was so gentle.
But that night, as I was dancing with Trevor...it surfaced so strongly that the truth was the only thing I could see.
I was in love with another Man.
And he was calling me to belong to Him.
My mind flashed back to high school….three years before the Beach. When, in the middle of the night, in the dark of a candlelit chapel in the middle of nowhere, where on my knees, I discovered Christ.
And my whole life burst out into limitless horizons in front of me.
I remember the months and the years afterwards, a consuming fascination for this man, that overtook my life. I remember my gym bag hitting the chapel floor after basketball practice, where I dropped by to kneel before the Tabernacle. I remember late nights staying up talking to him, airports that I walked through with him, friend drama that I talked through with him. Day after full day, he was becoming the best friend I ever had. And in those five, six years….he had gradually become the quiet obsession of my life, in the hidden depths of my heart that no one else could see.
Without myself seeing so fully until then...he was the Man I was falling in love with.
By the time we got to 20...he had me totally gone.
And it was that night--and others like it--at the Beach, where I was faced with the prospects of another love, from another man...that my heart resisted...even without my mind knowing why right away. But something inside of me knew…
I was taken.
My heart was already taken.
The Beach is now 7 years away. Trevor? He must be happy somewhere, with somebody.
But as for me?
Not going to lie. Happy would be an understatement.
This year is my 7th year of consecrated life in Regnum Christi….seven years of celibacy, poverty, and obedience. It didn't take me too long after the Beach to realize that, for a love like this, he was drawing me to something radical….something forever. Something that sealed my surrender in his blood and in mine.
And in seven years of poverty, chastity, and obedience, I can say without a hesitation.
I know what it means to be a woman in love.
So, if you ask me what consecrated life is….that's it.
It is the experience of falling in love with Jesus Christ.
It is the fascination of discovering in each moment, the beauty of the life that dances behind his eyes.
It is the intimacy of discovering, in the silence of sacrifice, the depths of love you never imagined you could give.
It is catching a glimpse of eternity, in the heartbeats of the Crucified….that becomes a consuming passion...a passion that can only be expressed in the total outpouring of my only life, for him alone.
Because, the club lights fade.
But that love--the real love--that was tugging so gently at my heartstrings then...still tugs at my heartstrings now, as I sit here and type out these words. That love doesn't leave.
So, just like I don't start blogs by admitting I was a sorority girl...normally I don't end them confessing that I am a consecrated woman.
But, for the sake of this story, its important for you to know.
I am a consecrated woman of Regnum Christi---bound for life to a Crucified man, who caught my heart one day and never gave it back.
And here's the truth. When the club lights fade, I will tell you without shame.
That if I only had one thousand lives to live…I would live them consecrated to him, forever.
That is consecrated life—to give my life in love, to Christ, forever.