Grace Curtis
I’ve been going through some extreme spiritual growing pains these past few months, which is something I’m sure all of you can identify with from some point in your lives. So often we set these expectations on ourselves to be perfect, yet we all have that one sin that we regret and it keeps us isolated from healing. Let me break it to you friends, no one is perfect and if you try to be, you will be worn down. It’s not healthy to run away; eventually the pain will catch up to you. I’ve learned this the hard way.
Out of complete desperation, I walked away from my problems this past week. Literally, I walked out the house to clear my head from the feelings inside me. I didn’t know where I was going or what I was doing but I was just determined to put as much physical distance from anything reminding me of my troubles as possible. The interesting part is a small argument set off months and months of built up emotions. I had been so wrapped up in trying to be perfect that one blow at my deeper turmoil set me off. Sound familiar to any of you? Anyway, I live in the suburbs, but a few minutes away are rolling hills of corn and farms. Something deep within me urged me to head for the secluded nature, so I sought peace there. At first, I was furious at everything and everyone around me. My eyes stung with tears and I walked on and on, deeper into the countryside. I started to calm down as I turned down this gravel road. The sun was setting golden rays over the fields and pierced through the mosaic of green, red, and earth-toned leaves. When all the anger faded away and I was left with this scene, I realized I was mostly angry at myself for not being the perfect young lady I had been striving to be. I started to cry again, but this time it was different. My heart was giving a raw display of what I was really feeling under the "perfect girl" façade. I had never been so alone in nature in my life, yet I never have felt so close to the One who could really understand me. In the most beautiful, gentle way and in the mist of my suffering God came in the setting sun’s warm rays and touched my weakness. Once I let down my pride, I let my weary soul make the first clear decision I had made in a while; I turned around and headed for home.
The cool purples and blues of dusk set in and calmed me as I began my journey home. I grew a little afraid that I wouldn’t be able to find my way home in the dark, and it was getting cold with the night quickly coming. So I started the most stripped down, essential form of prayer I knew. I began to sing through my sniffles to the beat of my feet hitting the gravel road and to the melody of the wind rustling through the trees. The night animals’ noises became my background music as I prayed to my own tune. At first the leftover anger in my heart created lyrics such as I wander down this old dirt road, nowhere to turn and nowhere to go. Of course, I had a warm, loving home to go to and I knew exactly where to turn on the road. I was reflecting on my lost soul, and when my aching feet started to falter and the stars came out my prayer turned to my inner longing for the arms of my Father embracing me through lyrics like Home, I want to go home to where I can be with you. Coming home seemed like a radical idea at first because that’s where I thought my problems were. But the truth is, my weakness was coming from within me and was only causing pain because I refused to let it go. I was hung up on the fact that I wasn’t perfect, and it drove a knife into my relationships with everyone around me. The only place I could even begin to forgive myself and grow better was in the loving embrace of my family and Church at home. They didn’t want me to hurt, but the Lord can’t help the wanderer unless he comes home.
The more I ran away, the closer my pain stabbed at my heart. Instead of running away from something, the best thing we can learn to do is run towards SOMEONE. Jesus wants to meet us in our deepest trials and lift us up. He’s the ultimate comforter, and although going to Him doesn’t always solve the problem, I guarantee He will give every ounce of His own strength to keep you going when you fall. Need any proof of this? Look at the cross, He already went through the ultimate suffering just to be able to come into our hearts and say “My dearest Love, I know you’re hurting. But if you can give me this weakness, I will make something absolutely radiant out of it that will make your light shine brighter than the sun.” No matter who you are or what you’ve done, you are not too far gone for God to restore your original dignity. You are not wasted, damaged, or evil. Actually, it’s more the opposite. You are so precious and good, I don’t even know you and I can say that with confidence because you were made out of pure love. You are perfectly imperfect, and although it takes a little pain to go through the journey, there is nothing like the love poured out on you when you return home.
Your past sins do not make up who you are. From the moment of your baptism God marked you as His and He looks into your eyes and sees His pure little child. Don’t be perfect, just be who He created you to be and run towards the comfort of being home in His love.
Your sister in Christ
Song this post was named after: Come as you are by Crowder
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjgioXrnEME
As I mentioned earlier, songs are a beautiful way to connect with God and He can speak the language of the soul through the melodies. God has called me deeper in love with Him through these two songs and I believe if you listen you will find His gift of love for you as well.
Call it Grace by Unspoken
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qPVLXDuHpj4&index=3&list=PLTTdbdYHkPnlxSxjSJu_LZaygxBnEmkNy
Just be held by Casting Crowns
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ&list=PLTTdbdYHkPnlxSxjSJu_LZaygxBnEmkNy&index=4